


House/Wilson Collection

by FitznFizz



Category: House M.D.
Genre: ? I guess, Birthday, Chronic Pain, Fluff, Humor, M/M, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Other, Sickfic, listen this stupid show has lived rent free in my head for years i needed an outlet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:13:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25841176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FitznFizz/pseuds/FitznFizz
Summary: A collection of one-shots surrounding Wilson and House. Most of them will be light and them being happy together because I actually care about them having some nice moments in their life.
Relationships: Greg House/James Wilson
Comments: 23
Kudos: 70





	1. Blue and Pink Icing

“Happy Birthday, House!” Cameron declared as said birthday boy walked into the room. House raised an eyebrow at his team as he stepped into the office.

“It’s not my-“He stopped dead as he saw the large birthday cake sat in front of his seat at the consulting table. It was the most stereotypical children’s birthday cake you could ever see, white icing and neon pink and blue piping with a bunch of candles on top. House stared at it before looking up at his team, Cameron smiling sweetly, Chase clearly hiding a laugh behind his hand and Foreman looking through some medical files.

Chase lifted his head from his hand, still smirking.

“How old are you now House? Must be reaching the late 80s at this point.”

“Oh! HAHA! I’m old! How astute of you to notice. Who bought this?” House gestured with his cane to the cake, a small smudge of icing coming off onto the end, which he promptly wiped on Chase’s coat on its way back down to the floor.

“I didn’t.” Chase said as he tried to wipe the neon pink stain away.

“Me either.” Cameron looked over at Foreman with a shocked expression, which quickly dropped at Foreman’s appalled look back.

“ _Why_ would _I_ have bought it?” Foreman asked, shaking his head as he looked back at the files in front of him.

“Maybe you’re secretly in love with me – Oh wait, that’s Cameron, never mind.” House jabbed, pointedly ignoring the red flush that had suddenly sprung on Cameron’s face. His leg was hurting badly that day, and he just wanted to sit down and get the whole talking thing over with.

“Well if none of you bought it, I must have one hell of a bad stalker, considering it’s _not_ my birthday.” He lied, taking a swipe of the icing with his finger and licking it off.

“What do you mean it’s not your birthday?” Chase asked, leaning forward to swipe some of the icing that wasn’t on his coat to eat.

“I mean the day that I was born isn’t today. Where did you get your degree again? Anyway, new patient, in room 30E, go run some blood tests and an MRI then get back to me.” House didn’t move as his team swarmed out the door as usual, only leaning back slightly to yell,

“And wash your hands! He’ll be dead from insulin overdose before we realise he hasn’t actually got the blood sugar levels of Augustus Gloop.”

House took a moment to sit and rest his leg, taking a few more Vicodin than the recommended dose and breathing through his nose for a moment. There’s only two people in this hospital that know his actual birthday: (instead of the multiple fake ones he gives at random times) one because of stupid things like ‘staff records’ and the other because he was threatened by fear of stolen drugs if he didn’t fess up. Unfortunately, both Cuddy and Wilson were capable and willing to ruin his carefully crafted mysterious persona. He’ll go to Cuddy first, she’s less likely to be the culprit, and whether she was or wasn’t seeing her first meant he could swiftly get his justice then spend the rest of the day hiding in Wilson’s office and either exacting his revenge there or just messing with him until they went home.

He took one last swipe of icing, hoping the insane amounts of sugar in it would mix with the Vicodin and create a new hybrid of high, before making his way towards the office of Lisa Cuddy.

House pushed his way through the busy as usual Clinic waiting room, changing between staring down and pointedly ignoring the stares from the patients. Strangely, there were more stares than the usual ‘I am afraid of this mean looking middle-aged man with a limp’ stares, but House barely noticed from within his irritated, exposed-birthday rage tunnel vision.

Cuddy looked up from her desk, un-surprised as she saw House storm into her office, the usual angry expression on his face accompanied by a not so usual smudge of bright blue icing on the corner of his mouth. Cuddy opened her mouth to mention it but was quickly interrupted.

“Did you buy me a cake?”

“What? No, I didn’t buy you a cake House. Happy birthday by the way.”

“Are you sure about that? Because revealing my birthday to my team is not only a breach of the _‘hospital privacy’_ you love so much but is _also_ a massive dick move.”

“Trust me House, considering the last time I accidentally wished you a Happy Birthday in front of your team you convinced half the nursing staff I was pregnant with the _head of the board’s_ baby, I don’t plan on doing it any time soon. I have too much paperwork to do to also chase down rumours of my imaginary child.” Cuddy sighed before looking back down at her paperwork.

“Why don’t you go ask Wilson if he did it? I know how you two love to play your childish pranks during work hours.”

“How many lives have you saved recently behind your desk?”

“Many, including your own by holding back my homicidal rage, now get back to work, House.”

“Oh, and congrats on getting knocked up!” House yelled as he exited her office, causing all the nurses in the clinic waiting area to start muttering excitedly to each other. Cuddy tilted her head back and sighed deeply before getting up to perform her daily House-related damage control, the blue icing on House’s face long forgotten, not that she’d have told him if she did remember.

House continued down to hallway towards Wilson’s office. His combined annoyance at the cake debacle and the pain flaring up in his leg only slightly dampened by the sight of Wilson sat behind his desk. However, House was on a mission of justice and quickly ignored the warmth that sparked in his chest, smothering it quickly with more annoyance as Wilson met his eyes, a very smug smirk on his face.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

“Cut the crap, you bought me that cake.”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” At the best of times, Wilson was a bad liar. Look at his armada of ex-wives to prove that. But it was clear he wasn’t even trying to hide the amused and self-satisfied smile that was spreading across his face this time. House glowered as he watched Wilson deliberately fix his tie that just _happened_ to be decorated with slices of cake and birthday hats.

“God your pranking skills are laughable in how bad they are.”

“Oh, come on! I thought Cameron’s face alone would be worth it for you, poor girl looked like a kicked puppy when you told her it wasn’t your birthday.” Wilson laughed and House had to actively try to not crack a smile in return. The one thing he found unbearable about his on and off prank war with Wilson was his inability to hold any annoyance once he was face to face with the bastard. He bit the inside of his lip as he watched Wilson get up from his desk, a smear of familiar pink and blue icing on the sleeve of his shirt as he came close to House.

“You have icing on your sleeve.”

“And I’m guessing no one told you that you had icing on your mouth?” Wilson responded, laughing at House’s annoyed expression as he put a hand to his mouth.

“Yeah well, at least I’m not going to look like I stole from the children’s ward all day like you, kiddie snatcher.” There was none of the bite behind House’s comment like usual, his icy annoyance melting away almost entirely as Wilson lifted said icing stained arm to wipe the remaining icing away from his mouth.

“Happy Birthday, House.”

“Yeah yeah, _whatever_. You’re making it up to me when we get home.”

“How about Chinese food and a monster truck marathon? I’ll buy.” Wilson smiled gently, moving his hand from House’s mouth to the side of his face, gently stroking his cheekbone like the utter sap that he is. House couldn’t help but let the smirk he was fighting appear as he stepped closer.

“I mean I was trying to make a scathing and sexy innuendo but that works too.”

Wilson laughed as House closed the distance, and if the team couldn’t find him for the rest of the workday, well who cares? It’s his birthday.


	2. Sick Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wilson is sick, House is pretending to be sick.

Wilson groaned into his pillow as he heard House throw the alarm clock against its usual spot in the wall. The violent start to their daily routine wasn’t what had Wilson groaning though, the intense headache that was making its way through both temples was. He had hoped it would go away when he went to bed last night, but instead it’s doubled its efforts to try and kill him slowly and painfully and has teamed up with clogged sinuses and a sore throat to boot.

Wilson didn’t even move as he felt the familiar stubble of House’s beard against his neck as he clumsily pressed his lips to Wilson’s feverish skin, too drowsy from sleep to notice his high temperature. It wasn’t until House had slowly gotten out of bed and started limping to the shower without hearing Wilson yawn or gripe for giving him beard rash before work did House notice something was wrong.

“What’s up with you? I’ve been awake for 3 minutes and I’ve not heard your excuse for sarcasm yet.” House didn’t hear so much of a response as a pained sounding grumble from underneath another pillow that Wilson had pulled over his head. Worry starting to kick in now, House made his way back to the bed and sat at Wilson’s side, lifting the pillows slightly to look at Wilson’s sweaty and disoriented face. Wilson just stared back, a mixture of pure annoyance and pain in his eyes, House almost laughed at how much the expression resembled his own most days.

“You’re sick.”

“No. I’m actually planning on running a marathon before work.” The sarcasm didn’t quite hit the same as usual when said through a stuffed nose. House snorted as he pressed his hand against Wilson’s forehead, frowning as he felt the obvious fever level temperature. He got up just in time to miss being sprayed from a truly impressive sneeze. He barely heard Wilson’s groan while he walked away into the kitchen, grabbing his phone and dialling the hospital.

“Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, how may I hel-“

“This is Dr. House. Dr. Wilson and I will be taking the next two days off sick. If Cuddy needs proof, I’ll send her a sneeze in an envelope.” House quickly prattled before hanging up, turning the coffee maker on and starting to make some breakfast and cold medication ready.

He worked in relative silence for a moment, some jazz playing lightly from the CD player as House fried some eggs, the pain in his leg slightly less unbearable than usual. The silence was broken by the sound of a frankly harrowing cough from the bedroom doorway, not surprising House by its closeness to him, instead turning around expectantly to see Wilson stood there, looking like a corpse wrapped in a comforter.

“Why did _you_ call in sick? You’re fine – well, as fine as you usually are anyway.”

“I’m being a caring professional. Being in close contact with you, I’m _riddled_ with _cooties_ , only an amount of time before I’m also dripping with snot. Here drink this” Wilson takes the coffee and medication gratefully, wincing as he steps farther into the sun lit kitchen and slumps onto the stool in front of House.

“Nuh uh, get back into bed, I don’t want you sneezing over my eggs.” Wilson groaned again, dropping his head onto the counter instead of getting up.

“But I need to get better, I’ve got patients to see” Wilson whined from where he was savouring the cold surface against his cheek. House groaned and started walking into the bedroom, taking Wilson’s coffee and breakfast with him and therefore Wilson himself followed soon after. 

House was already under the covers by the time Wilson made his way back into the room, and was already picking at Wilson’s breakfast, his own eggs inhaled almost as soon as he cooked them.

“Those are mine.”

“Think of it as payment for your nursing fees for the next few days.” Wilson smirked as he came back under the covers, taking the plate away from House and finding his coffee already on his bedside table.

“A couple bites of egg for a couple days work? Never thought I’d see you undersell yourself, House.”

“I was assuming the sexual favours would be added as a bonus.”

“Ah, there’s that charming bedside manner I expected.” House snorted before they both fell into a relative silence, the only thing breaking it being Wilson’s sneezes and pained groans and House’s phone from his team, which he consistently screened each time. It’s only when the 20th call in a row happened that House answered, plugging his nose with his hand and faking some coughs before answering.

“What do you want? Can you not survive without me for an hour?” Wilson snorted at House’s surprisingly accurate sick voice, shuffling down almost completely under the covers to watch the show in comfort and taking a hand to fiddle with the hem of House’s shirt as he talked.

“Yeah and I’m sure the immuno-compromised patient would really appreciate the help of a sick doctor; she’ll bounce back no problem. It’s an easy case, if you need help figuring out how to do a blood test ask one of the med students, they’ll give you a hand. Yeah _whatever_.” House finished the call with an obnoxiously loud fake sneeze before hanging up and flinging the phone onto a pile of laundry at the other side of the room.

“How many times have you faked being sick?”

“To get out of clinic duty? I lost track around the late thirties.”

“I still think you should go in, I’ll be –“ Wilson’s sentence is interrupted by a sneeze that almost gives him whiplash and causes the pain in his head to increase to an unbearable level, quickly burying his face under the covers and moaning in pain for what felt like the thousandth time this morning. He felt a hand gently stroke his hair and an arm wrap around his waist and pull him in.

“See? I basically _have_ to stay here, I’m a walking germ smear, half the hospital would be in quarantine by the end of the week.” House couldn’t help but smile to himself as Wilson burrowed into his chest, any minute amount of fight in him quickly melting out and into the warm comforter.

“You know you can just say if you’re using me as an excuse to not go to work, I’m not a –“Another sneeze. “wilting flower that needs looking after, I’m a grown man.”

“Yeah, so am I. And sometimes us grown men can use each other as excuses to get out of work and make chicken soup. Now shut up and go to sleep, you’re making my shirt all gross.”

Wilson finally fully gave up and relaxed into House’s arms, their embrace tightening as House chuckled and placed a surprisingly gentle kiss on Wilson’s forehead, pointedly ignoring the buzzing from his cell on the other side of the room and drifting off into a comfortable sleep, trying to not notice the uncomfortable tingle growing in the back of his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in a feral haze dont judge me.


	3. Out the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddy is stressed. She doesn't need to be on a scavenger hunt for two of her doctors. Also lowkey thirteen/cuddy bc cuddy is a LESBIAN and no i will not take criticism. Also no one needed to find wilson all day cause idk another doctor was doing it i don't care about hospital management leave me alone.

Cuddy was on the _edge_. She had been having a stressful day as it is, with a technical error jumbling the admittance folders for the past two days and just general ‘running a hospital stress’ she can never seem to diminish. But on top of that, she’s had House’s entire team show up at her office at different intervals throughout the day, frantically trying to find out where their boss has disappeared to this time. After sending them to all his usual haunts, and even asking the nurses to keep an eye out, they were still appearing at her door like lost puppies without their master.

There was two hours left to the workday, although Cuddy expected to be there for at least another four, and she was ready to pull her hair out by the fistful when she hears the twentieth knock on her door.

“God, can you not call the man?! He can’t have gotten far, it’s not like he can run.” Kutner flinched back at the sudden outburst, a sheepish expression on his face as he holds his flip phone up.

“We’ve…uh…we’ve called him about fifty times, and he keeps hanging up. And the records show he’s not gone home sick or anything. We’re just kinda worried you know, what with the whole him being shot in the past thing.” Kutner kept his hand holding the phone up awkwardly as he watched Cuddy groan and run her hands through her hair before shoving it into a low bun – to save it from her stress induced tugging.

“Okay. Here’s what’s going to happen. You and the rest of your team are going to get on with your job, you can survive one day without House there to hold your hand. You’re all trained Doctors, I’d have thought you’d jump at the chance to show off.” Kutner looked even more sheepish as Cuddy walked around her desk to grab some more folders from her ever growing stack and head back to her seat. “I will keep a watch out, but I am roughly eighty percent certain he’s not bleeding out from a bullet wound in an alley somewhere, we’re not in a Batman comic.”

“Oh, you read Batman?!” Kutner’s sheepish expression was immediately replaced by excitement, an info-dump on his lips ready to drop. Cuddy held a hand out to stop him before she couldn’t escape.

“I used to, when I had time outside of work and wasn’t being distracted by my employees. If I _ever_ get some free time again, I will let you know, and we can discuss Batman to your hearts content. But for now, _please_ leave me to do my work.” Cuddy deliberately neglected to mention the search party she was casually planning out just in case House doesn’t re-appear in the next day. She is pretty sure he’s fine but, well, working with House the past few years is enough to make anyone over-cautious.

So for the next two hours Cuddy worked in relative solitude, only being distracted once by Thirteen coming into her office, surprisingly not to talk about House, but to drop off a coffee with an apology and a what might have been flirtatious smile, but Cuddy wasn’t one to get her hopes up. She even managed to get most of her work for the day done, only expecting an hour of overtime which is always a pleasant surprise. It was only when she saw House’s team frantically rushing through the hospital in what was clearly an urgent and interesting situation did Cuddy start to get genuinely worried. If one thing could lure House out of hiding, it’s an interesting case, and she didn’t see the Doctor anywhere, nor did she hear any of his snarky comments as she poked her head out of her office to watch the team run through the hospital. She decided to finish off the file she was working on then go on a quick solo search mission.

There was no point in checking the usual spots, House’s team would definitely have already swept the cafeteria and Wilson’s office. They probably checked the Morgue as well, both for House himself or his corpse if Kutner let his paranoia get the best of him. But they may not have checked the roof. It’s a rare spot, but if House particularly didn’t want to be found he would make the trek up there, especially since the new elevator had been installed that went up to the top floor, leaving only one set of stairs to navigate. 

Cuddy tried to walk with importance as she searched, hoping it meant people wouldn’t come up to her with un-important questions. She wanted to get this sorted then head back to her office so she could get home before the sun comes up. She was thinking dreamily about a warm bath, a glass of wine and a Netflix binge when she heard a bumping followed by a muffled curse from the janitor’s closet on the top floor. She was fully prepared to just keep walking before she heard a familiar laugh from within, accompanied by another muffled sentence,

“House your leg –“

“Oh screw my leg. Well, actually, you can screw something else.”

Cuddy was staring open-mouthed at the door, processing what she just heard and preparing for whatever she might see behind the door. With a sigh she grabbed the closet handle and yanked it open, sending a rumpled, but thankfully clothed, Wilson stumbling out, his tie loose around his neck. House followed quickly after, similarly rumpled but also still thankfully fully clothed. Wilson at least at the decency to look ashamed, hiding his quickly flushing face in his hands.

“Oh my god, Lisa. I am so sorry you had to see that.”

“I’m not, bet she enjoyed the show.” Cuddy lifted an eyebrow at House’s remark, sporting her best displeased expression as she shook her head at the two of them.

“What is wrong with you? You’re fully grown men! Surely you can keep your hormones in check at least until you’re out of the building, can’t you? House, your team has been looking for you, have you both been in there _all day_?”

“No! I’ve been dragging Wilson around the hospital both to keep the sniffer dogs off our trail. Also because I wanted to try and complete my check list.”

Cuddy groaned and leant against the wall, the day finally catching up with her.

“You know what, I don't even want to know what that means, but I admire your tenacity. However, if you’re going to fool around _don’t_ do it on hospital grounds. I’m already going to have to fill out so much paperwork for HR about you two without sexual misconduct forms as well.” 

“We were going to tell you; I promise we weren’t expecting to reveal it in this way either.” Wilson chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and looking fully like he wanted to curl up and die on the hospital floor. House’s face showed no such shame. Cuddy also noticed the bruise on Wilson’s neck poking out from his collar as he refastened it, causing a laugh to bubble out of her for the first time that day.

“Oh my God, Wilson, a hickey?! I didn’t realise I was employing teenagers at a summer camp in my hospital.” Wilson’s face turned even more red as he slapped a hand over his neck, House’s self-satisfied smirk growing.

“This is never going to happen again.”

“Yes, it will.” House retorted.

“Not if you want to keep your jobs.”

“Homophobic.”

“That’s not really possible is it.” Cuddy sniped back. 

“House _please_ don’t make this another crusade; I want to keep my job.” Wilson begged. Cuddy couldn’t help but laugh at the embarrassment on Wilson’s face quickly turning into exasperation. Before she could continue to berate the pair, House’s pager went off, reminding her of why she was there in the first place.

“Okay, I’m letting you both off with a warning, but you’re both taking extra clinic duty for the next week –“

“You say that like I’m going to show up.”

“- _and_ House, _you_ need to go to your team, _now_. They’ve been bugging me all day looking for you and I have had it up to here with it. They think your patient has some rare blood condition so, it should keep you entertained.” Cuddy watched the cogs turning in House’s head before he predictably stormed off, leaving herself and Wilson stood alone in the corridor.

“Uh…so…guess I better head off. Patients and...the like.” Wilson scratched the back of his neck before walking off, hunching his shoulders up over his neck in an attempt to hide the fresh mark. Cuddy sighed at such a pathetic sight and called after him.

“I have some concealer in my office if you want it.”

“Oh thank god. I think I’ve had my share of mortifying moments today.”

As Cuddy walked with Wilson back to her office, she couldn’t help but wonder when she became a babysitter instead of a Doctor.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess if you have requests, hit me? I haven't written fanfic in years idk the etiquette anymore.


End file.
